The World Is Probably Literally Ending

Well, T-Rump is the presumptive GOP nominee, and while you’re like “idk what this has to do with budgets, Kelzor, since he drives a gold-plated plane,” let me tell you, it does.

Because we have to prepare for Armageddon.

But we also have to do it in a way that is fiscally responsible. Unlike T-Rump.

I asked Furiosa for her help in getting through this, and she is way the hell more competent at survival than I am. Behold:



She then proceeded to suggest we go camping which was a hard pass for me, but I maybe need to reconsider.

Anyway. We’re also in a zone which is anticipating a HUGE earthquake, like, devastating, what-will-we-do-with-all-the-corpses massive earthquake, so I need to prepare for the End of the World anyway.

I have a coat closet in my living room which is currently being used to accumulate crap, so that is going to become the Survivalist Closet. It’s about 2.5 feet wide, 2 feet deep, and standard Closet Height. In this, I should be able to start accumulating the following:

  • Potable water (will need to rotate out periodically so it doesn’t get nasty)
  • High-density calories (nuts and jerky! nuts and jerky! and other shit)
  • Cat food (checking expiration dates every month or so to make sure it doesn’t go bad)
  • Hygiene products
  • Ways to make fire (this one might be optional if I just pack food that doesn’t need to be cooked)
  • Medicine
  • Cigarettes (for currency, right? right?)

I’m not even sure how long I’ll need to prepare for, but I think just filling the closet is going to be the best plan. When I was a kid, we lived in California and made Earthquake Kits for if the big one hit when we were at school, and at the end of the year we always got to eat them on the lawn on the last day of school. It was the only time I got pudding cups, canned fruit cocktail, and granola bars. We didn’t get convenience foods too often. Also, these are probably terrible foods to give kids if they’re trapped in a school. GORP and water, that’d be best?

Maybe some time I’ll tell you about how my mom sent me on a school trip to hike in Gold Country with only two Capri Suns to drink and nobody would share their water with  me, not even the chaperones.


Maybe that’s why I hate the outdoors.
Fuck the outdoors.


I have no idea what I’m doing.






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